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An Irishman was at a bar drinking Guiness when he noticed a man who looked just like him at the other end of the bar.
He said " you look just like me!" The other said , "you look like me too
Where do you live? - " I live in Gallway Bay." Me too said the other one.
What street - " O'Brien Street" - said the first. Me too said the other one
What number - "162" said the first - Me too said the other.
What's your parents name -"Sean & Maggie" - said the first - Me too said the other
Just then the relief bartender turned up for work and on taking over said " any problems?"
"No" said the outgoing bar tender -
"only the Murphy twins drunk again!"
GARDEN OF EDEN
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
"You know, woman to woman."
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he warns Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush"
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The Interview
In Jerusalem, a female BBC journalist hears about a very old Jewish man who has been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she goes to the Wailing Wall and sure enough, there he is. She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. Sir, how long have you been coming here to pray at the Western Wall?"
"For about 60 years," he replies. "Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace among the Christians, Jews, and Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Suprise' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Amish elevatorAn Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".
Joe went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather somewhere out in the country. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, in the morning Joe's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Joe notice a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal sonny!"
For lunch the old man made a ham salad. Again, Joe was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, Joe was on his way to the village, as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. Joe shouted his Grandfather, "your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football match he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...
"Coldwater get back in your kennel"
yokennel"ur
MEMORY LESSONS
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering
things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is
wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends,
and neighbours about it. Some months later, a neighbour approaches
the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbour asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the
instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know,
the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbour says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house)
Hey,Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger's broken."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bath, then we offer a tea spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No, said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?
"A Scottish couple from Aberdeen decided to go to Bournmouth to thaw out during the icy Scottish winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules the husband left Aberdeen and flew to Bournmouth on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day, The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room. so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and, without realising his error sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Yorkshire, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:-
Subject: I've arrived Date; October 16 2005
To. My Loving Wife
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was!
Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing he asked, "What are you up to Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour laughed and said, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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A woman goes to register at the local benefits office.
"How many children?"asked the civil servant.
"Ten" replies the woman.
"Ten???" says the civil servant. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec
Alec, Alec and.... Eh... Alec"
"All the same name? Doesn't that get confusing?"
"No," says the woman "it's great because when they are out playing in the street and I shout "Alec your dinners ready or Alec, go to bed now, they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"Oh, that's easy," Says the woman "I just call out his surname"
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