These are announcements from actual church bulletins:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvarly Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water The sermon for tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,green beans; bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

                                                                                                  

 

A for arthritis, 

B for bad back,
C is for chest pains.  Perhaps cardiac? 

D is for dental replacements  and decline, 

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)

H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K! 

K is for my knees that crack when they're bent     
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) 

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck

O is for osteo- and all bones that crack 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few

Give me another pill;  I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness.  Wine or flu?   

R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two       

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears       

T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears  

U is for urinary: difficulties with flow    

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.

W is worry, now what's going 'round? 

X is for X ray-- and what might be found.  

Y for another year I've left behind

Z is for zest that I still have my mind! 

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, 

And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Ain't being a "senior citizen"  great???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Strange Definitions

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARISE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

There, you've been enlightened!

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips part; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Lancashire

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Lancashire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Lancashire Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow patt. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over to a nearby table and sees a
man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that
man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies.

"He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago.

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long." 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letters to a Lancashire Council
(Not Bury Council)

The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

I woke up this morning and found my water boiling.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.

I want to complain because my name is not on the council’s electrical register.

Will you have the baths manager carry out an investigation as I believe there is too much urine being put into the water.

I wish to tell social services that my husband has been a lot better since the doctor gave him a coarse of apostrophes for his constipation.

It is not right that our council officials should take fact-finding trips to Australia. We can’t afford for them to stay in shallots on the mountainside.

                                                                                 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words to Live By

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read that which will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The baby photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Madam", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bath, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"

"It's true, Madam, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Madam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter of Recommendation -

1 While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him working

2 studiously and sincerely at his table without

3 gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

4 wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

5 finishes the given assignment in time. He is always

6 deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

7 found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

9 knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

10 classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

11 dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be

12 pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be

13 sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

Second note

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,9,11,13 for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three bulls were hanging out in the field with their cows. The biggest bull stood proud, gazing over his 75 cows. The next largest watched over his 50, and the young bull sat quietly, glad to have 25.

They noticed a truck pull into the farm with another bull roaring in the back of the truck. The biggest bull said, "No way he's getting any of my 75 cows, I need them all!"

The second bull puffed up and said, "He's not getting any of my 50, that's for sure!"

The young bull said, "It took me six months to get my 25 from you guys, he can't take mine!"

Out of the truck came the biggest, meanest, most ornery looking bull any of them had ever seen. The biggest bull said, "Well I guess he could have 25 of my cows."

The second bull agreed. "Yeah, he can have 25 of mine, no problem."

They looked over at the young bull, who was snorting, huffing, and kicking up dirt. The biggest bull said, "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

The raging little bull said, "I'm making damn sure he knows I'm a bull!"

                                                                                                   

 

An Exercise for Rotary Elders.

The exercise is intended to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side, with your feet placed 18 inches apart and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can, try to hold this position for at least a minute, then relax. If you do this once per day, every day of the week, you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer each time.

After a two weeks or so, move up to two 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and continue to hold your arms straight for more than a minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golfer's Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'

The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?' The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'

The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?'

The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'

The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?'

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                                                                                    

A mean old man and his wife were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

 Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 74.

His wife had a closed coffin at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local pub and began to celebrate as if there were no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said,

"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

--------------------                                               ---------------------------

Cheers

This is why I missed Rotary last week. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else! I reluctantly agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making; he did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great wine maker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

                                                                                                        

I Thought Tommy Cooper was Dead

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." How's that?" Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                                                            

-----------------------------------------------------------------                                             

Computer Help Line

w may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Help desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
----------------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Help desk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Help desk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Help desk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it!
----------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
----------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Help desk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Help desk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
----------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Help desk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Help desk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Help desk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Help desk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
----------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Help desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Help desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Help desk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
----------------------------------------------------------
Help desk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Help desk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman:  I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happily Married Couples

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Darling, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded years ago and continue to do so.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the settee and snore.

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house 'Talking Dog for Sale'.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the garden. The man goes around the house into the garden and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?, " he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government.

So I told MI6 about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "£10", says the owner.

The bloke says, "That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a liar, he didn't do any of that stuff that he says he did."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Panda Problem 

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.  He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter  dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey!  Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t  pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA!  Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the  following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by  distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old black American ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey can find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady answered

"Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties...... "What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief. "Dat's right; you heard me.

I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his farmyard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

Mister," he said, "I would like to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and are expensive."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got 42 pence. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle,"Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the kennel and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the kennel. Slowly another little ball appeared; this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I would love to have that one one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."