When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full . They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar, of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full . The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else; the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first , " he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you . Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your wife out to dinner. Arrange a family gathering. There will always be time to clean the house and wash the car . Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.
The professor smiled . "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with good friends"
NEW EMPLOYEE
the manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
INSURANCE POLICY
Vandals had set fire to a farmers haystack which then spread to his barn.
While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company
and asked them to send a cheque for £30,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained.
“We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
BEGGAR ON BOND STREET
A beggar who was working Bond Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money.
The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.”
The beggar replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and
None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Coming Down to Earth
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thank you for flying with us, and please don’t forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
PADDY'S MOTHER
Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman
called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low.
His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.
"To be shure it was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied Paddy. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that
there was another phone call for him in the office.
This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum,
and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news,"
"That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
1) Ziplock Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A tube train is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it would be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the car, golf, fishing, always something more important for me to do first. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home from work one evening, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again and handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the drive."
The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.
The frog genie
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a Seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answers, you! will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: by design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door Is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
if yuo can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too, can yuo raed tihs? olny 55 plepoe can. I cdnoult bleeiee taht I cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aocdcrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and the lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerilm. Tihs is bcuseae the hhuamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpelnig was ipmroantt. All this spell checking why worry?
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector." says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Dublin, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of
Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:
-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front; -stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas; -pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy highstreets; -under-taking on motorways and -taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be
clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and
pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.
Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
Department of Transport. PS The Stottish Transport Department are hoping (& praying) that one day they too might be able to issue a similar scheme!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a moter bike when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?
"The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on an oily rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I have finished, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
"The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Children in Church
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mum, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir, " little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mum is a good cook."
Aprons
I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the pods. In the autumn, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company arrived, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
Anagrams, as the reader will know, are words or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever anagrams.
Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble and cryptic crosswords.
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a dot in Place
The Earthquakes That queer shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
This one's truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
And the Anagram : In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
But Why?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
he said! I'm a divorce Lawyer
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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